How to be a Man: Introduction

Malcolm Bolivar

12/30/2024

This is the first in a series of articles about what it means to be male: what I believe it means to be a man in this crazy, mixed-up world. Read me first, if you are not sure where to start.

What does it mean to be a man? I just always assumed that the answer was self-evident. That you just knew what it meant. As I reflect on the outcome of the most recent presidential election, I finally realized just how poor the state of manhood is in our country and, perhaps, worldwide. I decided to commit to writing a series of articles which offers my interpretation of what it means to be a man. I was raised by a good father, but one who just assumed you knew what he was talking about – not a lot of explanation or instruction. It was my mother who actually taught me how to do things. And, as I reflect on over fifty years of living, I suddenly realized that maybe a deep dive into this topic is needed now more than ever. The definition of manhood, what it means to be a man, the “code,” that we should be unlocking – is needed because we have so many confusing messages out there. It is easy to decry being “woke” and blame others for the state of men today, but we shouldn’t. We just need to start being clear about what that definition of man, manhood, masculinity, and maleness should be. Over time, we can refine that definition and men can decide what elements of this they want to make part of their code and share with their children or other young men in society. We have a lot of work to do as men. We are already behind.

I am also becoming increasingly discouraged about a definition of men, being male, and masculinity that is framed by people with very specific agendas or just plain backwards ideas. The internet and social media have become places where the person who shouts the loudest gets heard. And that’s not good for anyone. Most of us go about our lives without any real need to enforce our world-view on others. I have often just chosen to remove myself from the conversation because, what’s the point? I have responsibilities: work, a home, a family, that I need to be present for. I was compelled to write this because, when it comes to what it means to be a man, I can only find very insidious ideas dominating the conversation. Hats off to Scott Galloway for leading the charge here. But like most of us, he has a number of brand imperatives, and he isn’t a one-trick pony focused exclusively on conversations about manhood. I fear his ideas can easily get lost in the shuffle of his other media ventures.

Before I go further, let me share a few disclaimers. While I 100% believe that all genders and non-binary folks should be treated equally and are equal, I DO believe that there are fundamental differences between the male and female genders of modern humans. This is not an indictment of non-binary individuals nor is it a criticism of people who are trans. I believe that people have the right to live how they want to live and identify as either gender or neither. But we have innate traits that have developed in us, evolutionary speaking, that we cannot ignore, nor should we condemn. The information I am providing may not resonate with everyone reading it. But if you are a man or care about men in your life, it is worth reflecting on what it means to be a man in today’s society. I also want to point out that men have enjoyed a level of supremacy (certainly not all men) throughout history. Men realized the advantages, mostly physical, and used this to subjugate others. Most of history is written by the winners, and the winners were usually men. The biggest and the strongest men. Guns and sophisticated weapons of war leveled the playing field a bit, but the historical bondage of male supremacy remains a legacy that engenders animosity even now. Intersect this with racial/cultural supremacy, you start to see that the winners were mostly white males. It is what it is, and it certainly does not mean that white men today are to blame for any of the inherited legacies given to us by generations before us. And, by that reasoning, we should not use those characteristics (being white and being male) to marginalize and disparage a significant portion of the world’s population. Regardless of what came before. The minute we give in to entitlement we end up with a path that will only result in the destruction of humans on this planet. We need to move forward with what we have to work with, for better or worse.

I firmly believe that we all have a responsibility to lift others up, we cannot continue to disparage men – especially young men – because they were born male. The next time you complain about men through generalization (examples include, toxic masculinity, man-splaining, fucking patriarchy, etc.), perhaps reconsider that impulse. By making disparaging comments against any group of people based on a generalization, we become no better than the people we are purporting to condemn. If we look at race through the same lens, we are being racists – something many of us agree is unacceptable behavior in society (although I am seeing reasons to be concerned about regression when it comes to racism). Most importantly, we are setting half the population of the world apart by making them seem “lesser” and creating a reality where men, especially young men, will feel isolated, angry, and resentful. Young men who feel this way will, either, unplug from society (something we are seeing at an alarming rate) or feel as though they have no other recourse than to rage against a feeling of helplessness (this could be disastrous). The results of the last presidential election here in the United States might, arguably, be telling us something about this.

Not all men will find every part that I write about in the weeks and months ahead on this topic to their liking or even that informative. That’s OK. We live in a world that exists – at least for now – as a marketplace of ideas. We select, or algorithms select for us, what we want to consume. I urge you, if you are reading this, to be thoughtful about what you read. To open your mind to new ideas. A big part of the last two and a half decades has been about a narrowing of world views for everyone. That isn’t healthy for any society, and it is proving to be VERY unhealthy for us here in the United States. As well as other countries as far as I can tell.

Let me then delve into why I am writing this. I have navigated a path to adulthood by seeking and trying to understand what it is to be a man. I then raised two sons to adulthood doing my best to understand how to guide them in a world that doesn’t make it easy to find the right answer of what it is to be a man. What I want all of the readers to know is that there is no one right way or wrong way. There are just ways. Life is best lived from the perspective that being a man is sort of like a lifetime spent in pursuit of martial arts excellence. There really is no end point and it is a journey of constant evolution and change. A great analogy to biological organisms – which makes a lot of sense to me. While I may speak emphatically and with certainty, I want all of the people reading anything I write to know that I endeavor to remain open-minded about being wrong. I try to see those moments as opportunities to learn more, both about myself and the world around me.

When I was a young teenager, I remember having urges. Sexual. I found pleasure in certain things. Pictures in advertisements, things that people wore, nudity in movies or in magazines kept by my older brothers. Those urges led to simulations of sex with an unfortunate stuffed animal (it was quite large) where I began to explore what I imagined sex would be like. I also found that my parents had a large collection of books, some of which contained graphic depictions of sex and sexuality. Erections began happening several times a day, sometimes even several times an hour. I would act out sex at home, when I was alone in the basement of my parent’s house. Then one day, the sexual simulation with that stuffed animal resulted in an orgasm with ejaculation. There are certainly funny bits about this from many stand-up comedians and mine was pretty true to form. I was simulating sex with this stuffed animal (if you are wondering, I was able to pull apart the stitching in a spot where the genital area would be) and I was simulating sex as I had done many times before. This time felt different and more enjoyable. I was going at it and then a weird sensation happened to my entire body and this white liquid began shooting out of the tip of my penis. I had no idea what it was and I thought I had broken something. I was able to grab tissues and try to clean it up while I was experiencing a transcendent sensation. It was glorious and terrifying at the same time. Me, rushing around trying to find something to clean up what was oozing out of my penis – scared that I had a life-threatening medical condition – while my whole body shuddered in the most rapturous moment of my young life.

Within about 10 to 15 minutes, after I was certain I wasn’t dying, I was touching myself wondering if I could do it again. Unfortunately for that stuffed animal, the rest is history. Ten thousand years from now, if scientists find that poor stuffed animal in a landfill somewhere, there should be enough DNA in there to repopulate the earth 10 times over. When I was in college a few of my friends shared similar stories of their sexual awakening. And the serial self-abuse (or, in my case, the stuffed animal abuse) that happened from that point forward.

Around the same time I began to experience a fascination and love of all things military and combat sports. I was studying karate at the time and I began to really enjoy the fighting aspects of it. I wasn’t very good, but this was also about the same time that tackle football with my friends and other games which involved wrestling, throwing things at each other, or just hitting each other with something. In truth, as I observed my own sons, I realized that impulse probably started at a much younger age. Maybe 7 or 8. As a parent I made the mistake of giving out plastic swords to the boys (they were mostly boys) attending my son’s 8th birthday party. Within the span of 2 minutes every young boy had removed the sword from the packaging and a free-for-all mob broke out of young boys beating each other with plastic swords, injuries and a bunch of exasperated parents (mostly mothers) punctuated my parenting fail. As I grew older, I found moments when I just wanted to punch or hit something. No provocation and for no apparent reason. I attribute it now to bursts of testosterone, but I never really did any follow-up research to learn more about this.

I share these stories because, when I have spoken to them over the years, women can’t relate. Mothers of boys can, but I have yet to meet a woman who has told me their sexual awakening or their pre-adolescence through their early twenties was marked by these characteristics. For men, this is the average. But there is a great deal of literature to support that this is not often talked about, nor is it easily accepted by medical professionals and or educational systems in helping understand how boys are wired. In short, my opinion is that it is considered a defect among boys and society spends a great deal of time medicating or disciplining young boys and young men to erase these impulses. Impulses that are completely normal. Yes, I did masturbate five times in the span of two hours in my early twenties. I rented a pay-per-view softcore pornography movie and wanted to get my money’s worth.

That’s why I am writing these articles. First, I want young men to be told that it is OK to be a young man. I have masturbated to fitness ads in newspapers with poor resolution quality. I have spent far too long studying the object of my affections – my kinks, if you will – in photos and, later, videos over the years. I have done really stupid things while feeling an aggression that I couldn’t understand at the time or process in a productive way. These are the blessings of the evolutionary traits we have developed over the years. These have enabled us to survive in small groups in a world that wasn’t as easy to navigate for humans until about the last few thousand years. When we consider the length of time living organisms have existed on this planet, that’s barely an eye blink.

It is time we begin to speak openly about what it means to be male. To be a man. To provide productive and positive role models for what it could be. Not role models with a political agenda, nor one based in self-preservation, and certainly not one that relies almost exclusively on putting others down. There are behaviors that are toxic for sure. But they are not the sole domain of “masculinity.” Yet you often hear those two words uttered together. If you take this journey with me, I would ask that you keep an open mind. We will cover a wide-range of topics. Some of which you may agree with, and some you might find completely unrelatable. I only ask that you keep an open mind and endeavor to learn and grow from this experience. I know I still am, and more of my life is now behind me than is in front of me.

Thank you for joining me,

M

The thoughts and ideas expressed in this essay are the opinions of the author.

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