Why Americans Need to Have MORE Sex
Malcolm Bolivar
12/8/2020
In 1996, 51% of Americans had sex once a week or more. Today that number stands at 39%.
According to this article by the Washington Post from April 2019 (pre-COVID), the number of people reporting that they did NOT have sex in the past year hit its highest point in 2018. Here are a few points of data to digest:
In 2008: the percentage of people between the ages of 18 and 29 who reported they were not having sex in the past year was 9%.
In 2018: the percentage of people between the ages of 18 and 29 who reported they were not having sex in the past year was 23%.
In 2008: the percentage of men between the ages of 18 and 30 who reported not having sex in the past year was 10%.
In 2018: the percentage of men between the ages of 18 and 30 who reported not having sex in the past year was 28%
That’s almost 3 times the number in just 10 years.
As many of us stay hunkered down during this pandemic, one can only assume that these numbers will look increasingly worse for this age demographic as researchers look back on 2020.
So what does this mean for us as a nation and as humans? I don’t think it bodes well, to be honest. Sex and sexual activity is fundamental to our nature. Children, especially boys, grow up with greater access to pornography than ever before. Video games stimulate the same dopamine response in our brains as sex (see this Washington Post article on video game addiction), and we know that boys are playing more video games for longer periods of time than ever before.
Those are the facts. I am not here to write a paper on the facts. I am not a scientist. Let’s stipulate that I have given you enough to accept that:
People are having less sex.
Men are having less sex at an increasing rate over time.
And while it is difficult to prove causality, we can at least postulate that access to pornography and the nature of video games are contributing factors to this new reality.
One last point to make here, before I move on. This reality is also contributing to a warped sense of how men view sex, and how they view sex as a component of human social interaction. In my opinion, heterosexual men are in the most danger of shifting to a reality that will separate them from sex and social interaction. And that’s a dangerous road to travel.
How can we avoid this outcome? I suggest the following:
We need to talk about sex in a positive way with our children. Acknowledge the reality that people have sex within the context of committed relationships but also can have positive sexual experiences in the absence of committed relationships.
This one is for all the men out there, regardless of your sexual preference. Go out and begin to have frank conversations with partners, potential partners, and friends. If you want to have sex with women, learn about their bodies. Ask them questions about what turns them on and learn how to give them pleasure or just support their own self-stimulation. If you are into men, take the time to understand what makes your partner feel comfortable, what are they into, how do they like to be touched, kissed, sucked, etc. You get the idea. If you are into non-binary individuals, all the same things apply. The point is, the more you talk about sex the more likely it will be that you will learn something you didn’t know and it will open you and your partner to a more robust and pleasurable sex life.
We need to encourage young people to explore their bodies. Boys are easier to persuade, admittedly, than girls. But far too many women think of masturbation, their bodies, and sex in a negative way. If you don’t believe me, check out some of the work by my colleague and collaborator The Femme Project. She is trying to empower women to own their sex and sexuality.
We need to open up about positive sexual experiences. Not talking about sex in affirming and positive ways leaves it a mystery that can result in opportunities for abuse and manipulation. The more comfortable we are talking about sex and the more people know what positive affirming conversations about sex look and sound like, the less likely it is that people who use sex to abuse, manipulate, or exploit others can hide in the shadows. Someone who has a greater comfort level in talking about is sex is, in my opinion, more likely to speak up when people are using sex and sexuality in an inappropriate way.
We need to engage in honest explorations of sex without judgment or shame. This is another comment for all the men out there. If your partner is into something that you aren’t into, that’s really OK. It doesn’t make him/her a slut or dirty. Don’t go there. Accept and celebrate their desires as if they were your own. You don’t need to like the same things. Conversely, the more you start talking about sex with potential partners in a mature and honest way, the greater the chance is you will be having more sex. Trust me, it works. You might also learn that the vast majority of porn is not how most people (men and women) have, or enjoy having, sex.
This is, what I hope will be the first of many pieces I write about sex. I am just getting started. The only way things will change is if you take action. Put away the video games, turn off PornHub, and go out and engage with someone. Explore each other’s bodies in a safe, healthy, and consensual way. You will find it is still really the best feeling in the world and whatever you and your partner are doing is really OK as long as you both feel good about it.
We are losing our way people. Please, for the sake of humanity, be a part of the solution.
-M
Copyright © 2020 - Malcolm Bolivar. All Rights Reserved.
